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Dream a Little Dream of_______?

Being two weeks in my new position, there has been alot of adjusting.  I can’t say its been bad at all..just a really big wake up call, where there’s the question that hits every day at 5pm…

What now?

I think back to what my better counterpart said: “you’ve worked 20 years to get to this spot if you really think about it.  Working since you were 12 and helping to support a family from baggin groceries to stockin shoes at fayva.”  (^5 to anybody that knows about Fayva :-P..ollld schoolll)

When I was a kid living in the projects, I always thought of a better life.  I mean who didn’t, honestly?  Especially living in the conditions of, well, lets be blunt: The Ghetto ass hoods of Harlem and the South Bronx.  You want that white picket fence, Sunday dinners, not having to feel that level of embarrassment of sitting in the welfare office with your failure of a mother:  things that most people in the middle to upper class took for granted because they never had to worry about things like that.

So here I am…33 years old, my own office, 9-5 and able to actually come home on my lunch break and spend time with my kids.  I honestly did not think I would be in this position considering the shit that bore me always told me that I would be nothing, never amount to anything and that I was no better than following in her footsteps of collecting a welfare check.

So the kids dream has been made a reality.  And honestly, that’s all it was: a dream.  Had I known what I know now, I would go back in time and ask that dirty, nappy haired little girl..what do you want to do once you make that dream come true?

It’s funny cause My better counterpart asked me..she was like: Sabrina..what’s your dream?  What do you want for yourself?

And I answered without hesitating…I want to be a provider for my family.

And she was like..yea but that’s not a dream for YOU…what do YOU want to do for YOURSELF?

I honestly couldn’t answer.  Like she totally had me stumped.  Cause the majority of my life has been to take care of other people.  And I don’t regret it.  But She hit a nerve..and made me question..made me think..

What the hell do I really want that I can say is Mine and no one else’s?

I think I feel like once I had my children that part of my life was over.  My life isnt my own anymore and I live for my kids and what family I have left.  So the big question..damn her for being so smart:…

Is there still room for one more dream that is meant just for Me?

 

 

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3 responses to “Dream a Little Dream of_______?

  1. Ya damn right there is!

  2. Frederic Prevost ⋅

    I think you and I discussed this very subject in the past. I went back to school because I did everything for my family. And I think I have a lot to offer to my community as well.
    Education I’m getting, is for myself, because I get to take home everything that I have learned. However, I can also serve my family and my community better with the education.

    Not everyone is capable of giving more than some of us. Some, can’t even provide for themselves. It is not the matter of right or wrong either.

    My passion for music or all other misc. knowledge of useless geeky subjects seems all just “for me”. But at the end, every experience and knowledge that i gained also reflect on my family or my children, and my community as well. Definitely.

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