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Pt 4: Unforgiven.

I had these thoughts stored away stuck in my drafts, rewriting, deleting, attempting to change my words for whatever reason.  And then I sat here, asking myself the same questions:

What the fuck for?  Who am I looking out for?  Who the fuck is gonna say something to me?

No reason. No one. Nobody.

I go back to the first post when I said that at the end of the day, this was for me.  That hasn’t changed.  I haven’t changed.

With that being said:

I’m so fucking angry.  It’s been a year now, and it’s as raw as it was then.  I still can’t bring myself to go into that room and paint away the images that are burned in my brain from that day and every day after.  I wanna stop feeling this loathing of emotions that fuckin drowned me and keep choking me.  I wanna get in my car and blind my older sister with my high beams as I step on the gas and watch her face explode against my wind shield as I run her ass over.  I want to grab the dullest knife and disembowel my cunt of a mother and look in her dying eyes while I twist the knife.  I want this fist to crack a selfish bitches esophagus and listen to her choke and gurgle on her own blood.

I want to yell at my father for not fucking taking care of himself and leaving me and my sister behind.

I don’t want any fucking pity. I’m past the point of wanting people to understand.  Everyday I put the face on for the sake of my kids, my husband, my family.  I don’t expose them to this poison that has stayed with me, all the while, its a time bomb of self destruction and I know it.

I know it.  And I embrace it.  It’s the one thing that is completely mine.  It was the product of what other people embedded in me and makes me see people and their actions clearer than I did when I called them sister, mother and friend.

Here, I’m letting it out.  But I feel like I’m never going to let it go.

And for now, I’m good with that.

 

 

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One response to “Pt 4: Unforgiven.

  1. freddy

    Here’s my take on similar sentiments.
    This may be the Asian philosophy thing: we tend to look at the bad behavior is others and use them as the learning experience for our own. I THANK them even, for giving us valuable and important life lesson to make Me better.
    Those people unintentionally give us a huge gift to us. I try to change my feeling of resentment which I can’t use for myself to something I can utilize to contribute my life. I think that is the ultimate revenge.
    That has been said, the behavior of blood relatives are harder to let go for the obvious reasons… meanwhile the behavior of so called friend is very easy to get over for me. I just cross their names off my mental list and, yeah, it’s done.
    At the and of the day, I honestly don’t have time to waste for those who don’t mean shit to me.
    I hope you can see your experience in similar light because you would rather use that energy for your kids and your man. I know you know that your life worth every thing for them.

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